just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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