I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
