So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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