so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
