I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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