I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
