I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
