there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
