Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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