remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
