I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
