So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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