You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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