also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
