Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
