I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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