4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
