Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
