As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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