so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
