You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
