I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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