Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
