i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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