69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
