You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
