i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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