On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
