omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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