Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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