I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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