god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in