We are two peas in an std pod
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?