i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
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He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.