My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
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So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
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dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?