So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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