I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
