Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
