when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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