if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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