If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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