i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
