I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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