I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Randomize
