I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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