He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize