She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
