made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
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Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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