I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
