got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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