im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
