her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
