I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
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