Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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