roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Randomize
