can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
