I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
