I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
