in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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