What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
