I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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