Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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