Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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